…by Skalrag
The earth beneath the party shuddered violently once more and gave way as a hulking quadruped with a sharply-pointed head full of sharply-pointed teeth burst forth from underground, showering Viggo, Arnold and Thor with jagged bits of rock. The creature roared and lunged to the attack.
“Lend-sha’rek!” shouted the ranger from Festung, drawing his swords. “Careful – they dig fest end deep!” The Company of the Ivory Goat rushed into action. Blades flashed and spells sizzled through the air as the heroes countered the Land Shark’s assault.
Safely behind the front-line fighters and reassuringly close to Dirock the healer, Scalrag channeled a spell through his magic orb and sent it hurtling towards the rampaging beast. Suddenly, the ground beneath his feet began to rumble and split. He stumbled back and raised his arms defensively as dirt and rocks jetted out of the earth, pelting him and Kiira with painful shards of stone. Lowering his arms, Scalrag found himself face-to-face with a second Land Shark, which regarded him malevolently through glassy black eyes. The Land Shark gave a roar and leaped at Scalrag, catching the human wizard at the mid-section. Pain blinded Scalrag as he was lifted bodily from the ground in the monster’s pitiless jaws…
He found himself standing a short distance away, watching the battle unfold. It was a strange sight, because everyone involved – the nimble halfling, the dwarf clad in plate, the lithe eladrin, the stalwart cleric, the ranger shouting oaths and the two ravenous Land Sharks – was moving very slowly, as if part of an elaborate dance. He watched as the nearer of the Land Sharks slowly shook its great head from side to side, dumped the limp, bloody figure in its jaws onto the forest floor and turned its attention elsewhere. The beast’s fallen prey looked very familiar: he was sure he’d seen that same long black hair, neatly tied back, and that faintly shimmering robe, now shredded and stained dark with gore and spittle, somewhere before. He flicked a strand of long black hair out of his eyes and tugged at the sleeve of his faintly shimmering robe – and stopped.
“Oh no,” Scalrag said.
“OH YES.”
Scalrag turned to face the voice which spoke in tones as weighty as a mountain. Standing behind him was a tall figure, robed in black and faceless behind a drooping hood. It held a large scythe in one skeletal hand, and though the tool was unadorned, Scalrag somehow knew that it held one of the sharpest blades in all of creation. He looked up at Death and despaired.
“Uh … I don’t … that is, do you, um …” Scalrag sputtered. “Look, there hasn’t been some kind of mistake, has there?” he finally managed.
“NO, THERE HAS NOT,” Death replied in tones as heavy as a whale’s heartbeat
“But … it’s just … I mean, just the one bite and that’s it?” Scalrag asked, sounding a little indignant.
“I’M AFRAID SO.”
“Well, it must be a lot worse than it looks,” Scalrag sniffed.
“IT IS.”
“But, what are you doing here? I mean, I’m just a low-level wizard. An apprentice, really. You came all the way out here for me? Don’t you have more important places to be?” Scalrag asked.
“I DO. AND I AM.” Death replied.
Scalrag pondered a moment. “Yes. Well, I guess that makes sense, doesn’t it.”
“INDEED. CAN WE GO NOW? I AM VERY BUSY.”
“But what about them?” Scalrag indicated his companions, still locked in slow-motion combat with the Land Sharks. Very little time seemed to have passed since his mauling; Kiira was pointing at his crumpled form and Dirock had his eyes turned skyward, his lips slowly forming the words of an invocation of Kord’s power.
“I’M SURE THEY’LL BE FINE,” Death said testily, and held out a bony hand. “COME ON.”
“I just want to know that they’ll be alright.” Scalrag said simply.
“I REALLY DON’T HAVE TI – OH, DAMN.” Death said.
Scalrag glanced back over his shoulder at the Grim Reaper. “What’s wro-
Scalrag’s eyes popped open and he gasped in a great lungful of air. He felt as though lightning were coursing through every vein in his body. He shook his head to clear it and took stock of his situation. He was lying on the ground in a pool of what he strongly suspected was his own blood. His whole torso ached, but he was he alive. He tried to spot Dirock to offer his thanks, but found his view was largely blocked by the stamping Land Shark, which had not yet moved on to fresh prey; it seemed undecided between bite-sized (Arnold) and low-in-fat (Kiira). Scalrag seized the opportunity to scramble to his feet and point an outstretched hand at the beast. “I’m not done with you yet,” he shouted and sent streams of freezing cold streaking towards the Land Shark. The spells slammed into its flanks, briefly forming a line of frost across its scales before sputtering out. With awful slowness the creature turned its gaze on Scalrag. It raised a huge paw, covered in digging claws, and brought it around in a sweeping blow that struck the wizard so hard that he saw white. He felt the ground slip out from under his feet…
He watched himself twist and flip awkwardly through the air in slow motion, and sighed.
“WELCOME BACK.”
Scalrag spun around to face Death, his face a mask of frustration.
“Oh, come on,” he protested, “I was plucked from the jaws of … of you fair and square!”
“IT LOOKED THAT WAY, DIDN’T IT?” Death said, and Scalrag thought he detected a hint of amusement in the voice.
“Now see here,” Scalrag said, taking a step closer to the Reaper. “I demand to be sent back. You’re cheating!”
“THIS COMING FROM THE MAN WHO JUST GOT BAILED OUT BY THE THUNDER GOD.” Death replied.
“The point is, if I get saved, that’s too bad for you. This isn’t fair!” Scalrag said, somewhat childishly.
“YOU SHOULD HAVE RUN AWAY,” Death said in a parental tone.
“I don’t run from danger!” Scalrag lied.
“YES YOU DO.”
“Look,” Scalrag said, trying to get back on track, “the point is you can’t just kill me.”
“I DIDN’T. IT DID,” Death replied evenly, and pointed at the Land Shark, which was pawing speculatively at Scalrag’s body as a cat might a dead mouse. Behind it, Dirock rolled his eyes and began praying once more.
“That’s a technicality,” Scalrag said miserably.
“GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME,” Death said – a might too triumphantly for Scalrag’s taste. “NOW, LET’S GO BEF-”
Scalrag gasped, gagged and coughed up a mouthful of dirt and blood. The side of his head hurt like hell and he wasn’t entirely sure which way was up, but he was alive… again. He glanced around quickly and struggled back to his feet; the world wobbled unsteadily around him for a moment. The Land Shark had moved on, burrowing under the earth to emerge amidst his friends who were still fighting for their lives. He caught sight of Dirock, who gave him a “let’s have no more of that” look and turned his maul on the nearest monster. Scalrag collected himself and plunged back into the fight.
The battle raged on. One of the Land Sharks finally succumbed to Arnold and Viggo’s repeated attacks, one of which finally slipped between its thick scales and slashed an artery. The beast crumpled to the ground, blood gouting from its wound as it raggedly breathed its last. The second Land Shark howled in rage and renewed its attack. Scalrag took up a position behind a tree next to Kiira. In the leafy boughs above them, Arnold was reloading his sling. Dirock was close by, beseeching his god to empower the party to defeat the monster. Viggo, bruised and bloody, begged the Raven Queen not to summon him to her side, and waded back into battle. Thor cursed in the language of his forefathers as he hammered at the Land Shark with his axe.
Surrounded, the creature reared back and plunged its head into the ground, burrowing underfoot and out of reach of the party’s weapons and spells. It emerged directly in front of Arnold’s tree, which creaked in protest as its roots were shredded by the Land Shark’s passing. As it erupted from the ground, the monster’s sloped snout projected a stone the size of Thor’s fist though the air; it ricocheted off the tree trunk and streaked directly towards Kiira, who ducked at the last instant and watched as the stone smashed into Scalrag’s face.
Scalrag didn’t bother watching himself topple over backwards, a thick gob of blood spurting from his nose. He spun around and looked Death in the hood.
“BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME,” Death said.
“This is bollocks!” Scalrag screamed, jabbing a quivering finger at Death. “You set me up! You’re out to get me!”
“WOULD YOU HAVE PREFERRED IT BE THE WOMAN?” Death asked. “OR PERHAPS YOUR FRIEND FROM FESTUNG?”
“Whoa now, I didn’t say that…” Scalrag said, raising his hands in a placating gesture.
“I SUPPOSE YOU WOULD BE HAPPIER IF YOUR LITTLE FRIEND FELL OUT OF THE TREE AND WERE TRAMPLED, THEN.” Death said, looking over to where Arnold was perched precariously on a heaving branch, his sling at the ready.
“Don’t put words in my mouth,” Scalrag snapped. “I don’t want any of them to die.”
“WELL THEN,” Death said reasonably.
“‘Well then’? What do you mean, ‘Well then’?!”
“EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON,” Death answered.
“Everything … Are you suggesting that one of us has to die here?” Scalrag demanded.
“I DON’T HAVE TO EXPLAIN HOW THIS WORKS. NOT TO YOU.” Death said dangerously.
“Well, I want some kind of justification,” Scalrag said, undeterred. Then he stopped. “Wait a minute – did you say, ‘better luck next time’?”
“UM… YES…”
“Are you … does that … I’m going to be resurrected?” Scalrag asked, suddenly hopeful.
“I DIDN’T SAY-”
“Or reincarnated? Am I going to be reincarnated?” Scalrag could barely keep himself from grabbing Death by the collar and shaking him.
“LOOK, IT’S JUST A FIGURE OF SPEECH,” Death said unconvincingly.
“Oh no – you said everything happens for a reason,” Scalrag retorted. “Ergo, every thing you say, you say for a reason, ergo you would never say anything just for the sake of saying it. QED, I’m not staying dead,” he finished triumphantly.
“RIGHT,” Death said, reaching for Scalrag, “THAT’S ENOUGH OUT OF YOU. YOU’RE COMING WITH ME RIGHT N-”
Scalrag’s eyes fluttered open. He was lying on his back, looking up at Arnold. The halfling didn’t seem to have noticed that Scalrag was awake. The wizard felt small hands rummaging in his pockets.
“Arnold,” he said wearily, “I’m still alive.”
The halfling shrieked and jumped back. “Scalrag! You’re still alive! Thank heavens! I was just checking to see if you had any healing potions I could administer to you.”
“That’s very kind, Arnold” Scalrag replied. “But I don’t keep them in my purse.”
Arnold looked down at the small jingling bag he’d pulled from Scalrag’s robe, grinned, and handed it back. “No, of course you don’t. But I thought maybe you kept your potions next to your purse. As my dear Aunt Petunia always used to say -”
“Not now Arnold,” Scalrag said and got unsteadily to his feet. His forehead was throbbing, his vision was blurry and there was blood trickling from his nose, but otherwise he seemed to be intact. He saw Dirock leaning on his maul and walked over. “I take it I can thank you once again?” Scalrag asked.
The cleric shook his head. “You can thank Kord for His blessings,” he answered, “for the God of Battle has saved you from death and delivered us unto victory!” He pointed to where Thor and Viggo were standing over the steaming carcass of the second Land Shark. Scalrag heaved a sigh of relief – he should be safe from any more close calls for now.
He felt a tap on his shoulder and turned to see Kiira standing there, holding a familiar-looking stone in one hand. “Nice catch,” she said with a grin, and handed him the rock before heading over to inspect the dead beasts. Dirock began insisting that Viggo set about skinning the Land Sharks immediately – something about armour. Arnold seemed to be trying to calculate the value of the hides on the open market, taking into account the possible cost of shutting down any competitors. Thor looked impatient to move on. Business as usual. Scalrag smiled.
“Better luck next time,” he whispered.
He watched the Company of the Ivory Goat tend their wounds and go through the lengthy and gory process of peeling off the Bulettes’ hides. He watched them pack up and continue westward into the Vale. He watched Scalrag, who was pulling up the rear, glance nervously over his shoulder and then up at the darkening sky. He watched as the band of heroes disappeared into the forest towards an uncertain future.
Death watched them go, and swore an oath.
“I’ll GET YOU, SCALRAG MANDU. SEE IF I DON’T.”
